[Begin post, circa 2005]
Oh my gosh.. I’m so ugly…. doooooooooooon’t look at meeeeeeeeeee………. noooooooo…..
Says the totally beautiful people :p
Why do people think this way? Apparently their eyes must be playing tricks with them! I just can’t understand why people would say that about themselves. Wait no, actually, I can. I was reading my diaries from when i was little (holy hell has my handwriting improved!–not to mention grammar–I can now distinguish between “too”, “to”, and “two” aren’t you proud?) …. and then I saw one entry that said something like:
“I am the worst person in the world, I am so ugly, I am mean!”
The first thing I said when i read that was, “What the HELL was I thinking?!”. You know what changed? Self esteem… confidence… being able to value myself. When I was little, I didn’t really separate any of those… I either was totally in love with myself or thought I was uglier than Satan. Mood swings of an elementary school girl, eh? But now, I’m able to appreciate my worth… I know I’m beautiful. I may not admit it to anyone else, but I know deep down and even on the outside that I am. The reason I don’t admit it (normally) to anyone ot brag about it or anything is because well… I don’t have to. The only person that needs to hear it is myself. But on the offchance you catch me in a joking mood and find me saying, “Oh–yeah, sorry, it was my hotness!” when someone says “Damn, it’s hot in here”, or saying with pride “I AM beautiful”…. then, I suppose you are lucky. Just consider me…. modest to the extreme? Everyone can, quite literally, go screw themselves (Heh, I learned from House that you can die from sex… your heart rate goes up, your blood pressure, your temperature… yeah, gotta love it!) because I don’t quite care what others think anyway.
I don’t want a man to call me beautiful.. I’d prefer if he called me intelligent or witty. After all, looks fade, but adoration does not (which is why personality is important and “dumb models” are eye candy–good to the taste, but by itself for long periods of time? Not great for adults. But! Kids love candy… so… “hot for teacher” comes to mind!).
Besides, did I ever say “Woe is me.. I’m uuuuuuuuugly, OMG, DON’T LOOK!! YOUR POOR EYES!!!” ? Of course not. I’m not about to degrade myself, I know better. Other people though? Well…
*smacks wooden pointer on the green chalkboard, creating a loud smack*
LESSON ONE! Everyone you’re comparing yourself to–the “beautiful ones”? Guess what? Botox, Lyposuction, air brushing, wrinkle cream, face lifts, colored contacts, teeth whitening strips, personal trainers, fake boobs, steroids… etc. etc. That’s what makes them “beautiful”, for the most part. Good for you! You idolize a botoxed, lypo-ed, air brushed, fake person! Or, as I like to call it, the “fake exterior” person.. or for short, the fakie–not to be confused with skateboarding… though their faces could make good skateboards, you could bounce quarters off of them. The truth is…nobody is as perfect as you make them out to be. Behind the face lifts, tummy tucks, whatever else, you got a person who would have wrinkles, normal-looking teeth, average breasts, etc. We all have flaws, the trick is to embrace them. Your idea of beautiful doesn’t exist….look at the average woman with a little chubby-ness here and crows feet by her eyes.. that’s the definition of the beautiful average woman. Case in point… have you seen Pamela Anderson without her makeup on and hair done? YEESH. Like I said, it takes a whole lotta things to keep them looking perfect.
But I digress… you know what i think about “perfection”.
*smakcs chalkboard again, pointing to her next point*
Oops, sorry, did I scare you? I didn’t mean to smack the chalkboard too hard… but *looks to the back of the room* I see I’ve woken up a few people at least. LESSON TWO! If your definition of beauty is no longer…. real.. let’s get to the real definition. You’ve heard it a billion times and frankly you’ll hear it again from me–there is no escaping it. It’s kind of like Richard Simmons, he simply won’t go away. Well, here it is: Beauty is only skin deep. Yup! We don’t say it over and over simply because we like our voice (unlike some people I know)… we say it because it’s true. Beauty is on the inside. Haven’t you ever met some super hot person only to realize, “Holy crap–he is such a dickwad!”? Or, if it’s a woman, replace “he” with “she” and “dickwad” with… well, maybe you can keep that word, *giggles*. You know why someone is truly beautiful? Because their personality is. It’s their smile, it’s their love, it’s THEM. You need to seperate infatuation and lust from “beautiful”. People are beautiful because their inside reflects it. Lust and infatuation can occur for people who don’t have a great personality, true, but who really cares? Unless you become a hooker, it should not concern you in the long run (unless you’re into that sort of thing!–or “things” if you know what I mean!).
I’m assuming you know this all already… and for a lot of people, they do know this, it just doesn’t register in their heads. And that’s okay. It just means it’s more work that’s all.
LESSON 3! Trick is… don’t compare yourself to anyone else. Not even the average ones. There IS no such thing as average, to be honest, because every person is differenet and it’d be stupid to make an average of apples, oranges, and lemons. While all are yummy in their own right, you can’t quite compare them. So guess what? DON’T. What matters is you, not anyone else. So I’d actually applaude if you said, “Oh, fuck off!” because at least you’re thinking for yourself 😉 It’s okay to think of yourself, it doesn’t mean you’re conceited, just means that you have your priorities straight. Though, don’t become extreme and become a heartless bitch… that’s not what I mean. Take care of yourself before you can take care of others.
LESSON 4! *ahem* Jeremy, wake up back there!! I said, wake up! *cough* Okay. So… in order to appreciate yourself on the outside, first come up with what you like on the inside. What do you like about yourself? What do others like about you? Keep ALL the negatives away. This is like one of those clubs where you put up a sign that says “No bettys allowed!” when you’re little, except, it’s “No negatives allowed!”…. sure, it’s a bit mean to the negatives, but they’ll live. ONLY positive things are allowed in this club… nyah nyah!
LESSON 5! Nothing is wrong with you. This is all negativity’s fault. Yes, I know, you’re not suppossed to blame anyone and you shouldn’t use a scapegoat… but seriously, it’s all negativity’s fault! Somehow it got in your brain and it’s making you think these things. And that’s okay. What’s not okay is if you let it continue to do so. Kick its butt! Give it a big kick in the behind! The hard thing is to find the root of this negativity… where is this guy reproducing from? Well, find out, and throw it a condom! Lol. No, but seriously…. usually this doesn’t happen overnight. It’s some sort of self-esteem issue, some sort of reaction to an event long ago of some sort.
LESSON 6! Don’t push help away. YOU know who your true friends are, so let them help you. If you feel comfortable talking to your friend, tell them what’s truly on your mind. Just because people are trying to help you does not make them a bad person. I know it’s difficult, but you gotta let *someone* in. Trust me, they aren’t doing this for their benefit, they’re doing it for *your* benefit… because frankly, it isn’t a walk in the park for them. But be HAPPY that they love you enough to stick around through all this. Take their helping hand, because it hurts to reach out your hand for so long without you grabbing it. Can someone say, arm cramps?
If you have anythingn else to say.. add it. Pass it on. Or, ignore it. Be “woe is me” for the rest of your life if you want! But to those I care about.. I’ll not let them fall. I’m just a jackass like that 🙂 It’s called being a true friend.
*throws the wooden pointer at Jeremy* I said WAKE UP! Do you WANT to fail my class and never go to college and live with your mom your whole life??
*ahem* Well.. The reason I know these lessons is becausee… I had to go through them myself. Don’t you dare think I don’t understand, because I do. Trust me, i really do. To close, I have a poem I wrote (copyrighted, blah blah, you know the drill):
You are Beautiful
Beyond the wall you put up so high
The one always broken, crumbling
Covering the pain and the reflection
Of a face you do not want to claim “It’s mine”
I see something else hidden inside
Beside the girl who doesn’t believe
That the world is a playground full of life
Only a battlefield where it’s all ugly
There’s a heart so beautiful, there it resides
And you don’t want to look at yourself
You don’t want to admit to the goodness
The rest of the world is just so perfect
And you don’t think you’re part of it
But I see hope where you see dark
There is a way when you do not find
No matter what you think or what they say
I know you’re beautiful and quite alive
Behind your eyes so dead with pain
Hiding behind the walls you put up
You’re secretly waiting for the walls to break
But you’re scared of what is the world beyond
–To this I say, do not fret
The world is like a mirror, it reflects
Whatever it is you want to see
And if, my dear, you believe
Then the world can reflect your beauty.
Drink of the words, think about them…. and I’ll see you after class! 😉 Now, go start your homework… which is to look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Not one of those constipated fake smiles.. but a true, genuine smile.
Here‘s a clickable link to the great site that has archives of Geocities pages. Not suitable for people with retinas. Also, I was totally guilty of half of those crimes, back in 2001.
P.S. Seriously, I just noticed how much more narcissistic I’ve become after re-reading that. That line about modesty? I really just Lol’d.
P.P.S. Also, I apologize for the general lack of maturity and typos. I was young and giggly, sue me. I’m still young and giggly, if you play your cards right. Wink.